Scoop

Field Guide to Being a Hipster pt. 1

(featuring songs that i knew were cool before you did)

I listen to Fleet Foxes and I knew that song before it was famous. I know the location of every thrift shop within a 30-mile radius of here, and my record player was given to me by a member of Modest Mouse (I won’t say which one because I’m intriguing and mysterious). I can totally fully relate to Holden Caulfield, and judging by his movies, it was almost as if John Hughes knew me personally. Sometimes I read Hemingway on the bus while I wear my oversized reading glasses that I found at a Fleetwood Mac concert.

If I’m not complaining about how the show Freaks and Geeks was cancelled then I’m scouring New York City for a denim jacket that is the appropriate level of distressed. You may find me strolling along the streets in the fall wearing my yellow Doc Martens and avoiding eye-contact. I sojourn in coffee shops made entirely of bamboo that sell only acai seeds, Larabars and freshly ground coffee from obscure places in South America. I appreciate any homage to the great Woody Allen, and have a single cactus plant that I keep by the window to attract others of my kind. I own several guitars and no tuner and if anyone asks it is because I have perfect pitch, not because I cannot play. I wear plaid shirts around my waist and make witty references to movies you’ve never seen before. Ok so maybe I don’t actually use that typewriter, but it looks really good on that driftwood shelf next to all my mason jars.

But I am not a “Hipster” because the title itself confines me to a stereotype and I believe self-definition is overrated.

That being said, it has come to my attention that the “Hipster” community has been a silent one on campus. Brooding and philosophical maybe, but silent nevertheless. So for all you closeted hipsters out there, or those of you eager to join our anti-party-party, here is your one-step musical cheat sheet to being as alternative as yours truly:

For further study…
Try listening to bands with names that have capital letters in them (CHVRCHES, BOY, NONONO, AWOLNATION etc.) and that have taken out vowels.
Listen to songs from other countries (I would suggest French pop and it’s okay if you don’t understand the words)

Own a record player. Or take photos of someone else’s and/or a record store for your Instagram.
Remember to always work really hard on your image but to never let on that you’re working really hard. For example, show up exactly on time and pretend that you don’t care whether or not you’re late.
Lastly, but most importantly, if you do happen to listen to other bands, or other songs, (God forbid people find out you listen to the Top 40), do so secretly and never recognize the songs in public.

Well, I hope this helps. And if it doesn’t maybe you were never meant to be as hip as us. Us in our oversized sweaters and military boots sitting by ourselves over there hoping no one catches on to our facade.

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